walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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