Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I supernannyed him into submission
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
