he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
