Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
