I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
