im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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