hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
