I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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