my vag is so smooth its legendary
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
