the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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