It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
