Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
