My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
