Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
