someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
