I need to stop coming to work sober
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
