I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
