My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
