Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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