I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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