Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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