I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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