____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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