i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
