You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
