I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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