I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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