i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
