I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
