he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
