I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
