So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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