I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
