Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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