I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
