he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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