I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
