so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
