wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
