i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
How external is "for external use only"?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
