Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
