Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
