I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
