he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
God, you're like boner-b-gone
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
