I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
even my farts smell like vagina
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Randomize