seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
