I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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