u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
