What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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