Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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