Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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