News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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