I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
