This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
